Warning: This is a therapeutic blog post for me. It is not so much pregnancy related as what has been going on with me the past week.
As many of you know, It has been a rough few weeks for me culminating into my worst nightmare kind of day when I lost our family dog. As English Bulldogs go he was in the best of health and we have never really had any issues with him (like so many bully owners do). A few weeks back, out of the blue, he lost 10 pounds in the matter of a week. We took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with Lymphoma. It was everywhere and they pretty much told us to put him down right away. I was emotionally not ready or able to do that. We brought him home to love on him and make our decision. Although we knew something was wrong and he wasn’t himself, he still seemed happy. He wanted to play with us and was still snoring and farting away as usual. We decided that we would let him spend his last few weeks with us but at first signs of distress we would put him down. I didn’t want him to suffer and I sure didn’t want the girls to have to see it. One night last week he showed his very first signs of distress. My husband woke up and told me he would call the vet and set up the appointment that day. I already knew it was going to be a bad day but I wasn’t aware of how bad. Not but two hours after that he was in our office crying out in pain that I’ve never heard out of a dogs mouth. I was living my worst nightmare. I was home alone, with the girls, and completely helpless. I couldn’t even lift him up to get him to the car and to the vet. I couldn’t get in touch with my husband (he is a landscaper and usually around loud equipment and doesn’t always hear his phone during the workday.) I laid on the office floor, just me and my very first baby, and held him until he passed away. This was not how I wanted it to happen. Maybe it is me being selfish because I knew I couldn’t/can’t handle it. Being pregnant, I am already an emotional disaster so there really is just no hope of me dealing with this easily. At the same time, I just keep telling myself that he wanted me there by his side while he passed. That I was able to comfort him in his pain in his last few moments. I know he was *just* a dog but he was way more than that to our family and he will be forever missed. I feel terrible for the girls. My oldest sees how sad I am (nothing gets past miss smarty pants) and just keeps telling me we should get another white english bully and name him DokaBear too so that I don’t miss him anymore. My little one doesn’t get it… like at all. The last time she saw him, he was walking into the office. She thinks he is still in there (even though she has been in the office since then). She keeps telling me that her DokaBear is sick even though I have tried to explain to her that he is up in heaven. It is crazy the little details that you don’t even pay attention to in your day to day life but notice when they are gone. Like when you wake up every morning and go to open the office door to let your dog in (he slept out there because he snored too loud). I have found myself doing that almost every morning for the past week until I realize… oh he isn’t out there. Or when you walk in the door from being out somewhere and a little stub tail going nuts doesn’t greet you at the door. Or when you are watching TV at night and you realize you don’t have to turn the volume up tonight because he isn’t laying at your feet snoring sooooo loud that you have the volume up to a level that might actually wake your children up.
I’m sorry if you got way more than you bargained for this week during my pregnancy journal. To be honest with you, I haven’t really thought about being pregnant this week and if I’m going to be 100% honest in my weekly journals… the good, the bad, the ugly… well this week it was the being sad part. If I didn’t scare you off this week, I hope you come back next week for Week 19. Thanks for listening.
WEEK 18: Baby is the size of a Sweet Potato. On average about 5.6inches and 6.7oz. Baby is mobile and big enough to where we could possibly be feeling movement soon. I *think* I have felt movement a few times just in the past few days but not 100%… could totally just be gas
Six years was not long enough Mr. Buddy Sir. We will love you and miss you forever.